GOD, MAN, AND DINNER
A recitation by the right brother Pedro Picasso on the occasion of God's Ascension to the Sizzler

Brothers and Sisters, I come here to speak to you of apes and apostasy, of heresy and herefords.… and the sub-humans who deny them as part of the Lord's bounty

I speak to you today of the sins, lack of contrition, and eventual consignment to the burners of Hell, so similar to the burners of the lesser Saint McDonald (Patron Saint of Hamburgers, Prions, and third degree burns from coffee), of those who refuse to eat meat. Today my brief must be broad, for I broadly, and in brief, argue for the soul of man. The man who proudly accepts his God-granted dominion over the plants and animals.

Really.

It's in the Bible.

Check it out!

It's hard to believe that any God-fearing soul could imagine man's dominion over the plants and animals without also imagining the slightest bit of marination, pan-searing, and perhaps a sprinkle of salt being scattered on top of the neatly butchered flank of something tasty. Yet word is that amongst some of the minions, dominion has been reduced to the salad bar. The kind of people who would look at a steak and then turn to something like, say, the apple-tree and eat that first apple.

This is heresy.

Ask Adam and Eve.

I mean, Ezekiel lets us know that God eats meat - At least he likes his animals substantially dead and cooked. I prefer to think he also eats them: A god who wants animals slaughtered merely for the Hell of it seems too close to the Republican God of despoilation and waste.

Some supplicants have noted the in Ezekiel we also seem to get that God considers rare meat a sin. And no doubt there is a rather alarming (to the modern palate) focus on burning meat. But this is surely a sign of safety and love from God.. and also probably quite sensible on the part of the mortal who wrote the Bible - at the time refrigeration was pretty much unknown and showing up as the supplicant who gave God salmonella or trichinosis would probably have been a bad thing from an eternal-life standpoint. And, brothers and sisters, eternal-life is what is in this for all of us! Would we have risked this eternal blessing without a General Electric Refrigerator a gift to God's second greatest achievement, capitalism? It is clear that since God has seen fit to give us refrigeration it is much safer to eat rare meat as it likely hasn't spoiled before it has hit the grill. When God, dabbing wine-sauce from his white beard gave us refrigeration he was certainly aiming us towards eating meat. Sure, all food spoils, but the worst thing that happens when vegetables spoil is St. Vitus' dance and Penicillin. Spoiled meat, on the other hand, is a threat to life. God has given us gifts to defeat this Satanic Rot!

You want more Biblical proof? More meat on the hoof to stampede at unbelievers? I have it. I have read the Bible, just today, and I understand the will of God.

Many of the church of Satan ask questions like:

"When you watch a chicken does your mouth water?" As though lust for something is the only real justification for using something.This, my friends in Jesus, is the argument of the evil pornographer and is also completely wrong on a practical basis.

When we look at any potential food, does our mouth water? We do only if we know it is potential food (I refer you here, to the upcoming parable of the Indian and the Acorn). Otherwise our mouth would water just as providentially (for did not our Lord, providentially, provide us with water and mouths?) at waxed fruit, menu photos, and certain strumpets. The argument is Godless - God gave us the tools to find food, the food to find, and the wherewithal to eat it. Should we be like worms, slugs, and snails eating only that which lies before us as we travel? Or should we be as humans? Should we not exercise our dominion?

And if you accept the (Satanic) argument that we should eat only what makes our mouth water, in other words what we lust for, then by extension we should also make heavenly, heavenly love to all the people in this world who are attractive to us. This kind of argument is the hideous language of the deceiver and should be ignored by all lambs washed in the blood of Jesus, or the blood of the burnt offerings we have on our grill each football weekend. For are we not all washed in the blood of the sheep? And are not more sheep born every day?

Like Disraeli, and unlike the vegetarians, I choose the lifestyle of Angels over that of Chimpanzees, forced into vegetarianism by their own lack of knowledge.

But what proof will they accept if not the counsel of their own eyes?

Brothers and Sisters - God has provided us with animals, the NRA to defend our right to own weapons of mass destruction, and meat on the hoof? What can this all mean?

I believe it means God is sending us a message. And that message is slaughter, burn, and consume lesser beings. After all, has God created any organizations dedicated to protecting our rights to own a scythe? No. Andwhy? Because although the scythe kills many more stalks of wheat than even Thanksgiving kills turkeys (and wheat is a being vastly superior to any Turkey), God doesn't really want us to eat wheat, or any other fruit or vegetables. If slaughteration, burnination, and consumption were not the will of God he would never have given us the gas stove, the charnel house, or that big vein in the neck of a cow that it is so, so easy to cut…. And drains in floors….

Who are the defilers who deny us the gifts that God has given? The meat we crave and the vegetables on the side? Vegetarians and worse.

There is more in time, friends, but for the moment a quick aside, I do not despair of the vegetable, of the turnip, the chard-leaf, the noble mushroom growing in the waste of trees and animals. Oh no my friend, like all things they have been provided to us as tools. And many of you happily eat this bounty.. for no doubt there is something quite Godly in eating the fruits of the heavily manured garden. For is it not a miracle that any kind of food can spring from a bed covered with processed feces and rotted household items?

In truth it is a miracle of God.

But it is a lesser miracle.

Food, fruit and vegetables are like the crayons of the artist's youth. Necessary to learn on, discarded as we approach perfection. And needed as raw materials to create the far more spiritual food, the animal. And as we approach God, Ecclesiastically and enthusiastically, we must discard the speech of food-chain youth.

Now, now.. because some amongst us here have surrendered to the evolutionary notion that form follows function, we must talk about the form God has given us.

Some socialists and vegetarians argue that humans don't have the "perfect" form for eating meat, that we were not intended to (something to do with study of evolution; EVOLUTION!- and how jaws have developed. This is a Biblical/Anti-God heresy of, well, Biblical proportions. Not to mention the fact they've never seen my incisors!

Hey, ya godless commmie? Yeah, my teeth aren't perfect for pullling flesh off of a corpse of an antelope I ran down on the veldt, but guess what? I don't have 8 stomachs to perfectly digest grain either. But I tell ya what… I can eat them both..

Cause God said so…

That's why…

Practically? Well, we don't have the teeth to eat acorns either, but Californian Indians ate acorns (and the much easier to prepare venison) after a prolonged process that made them edible. By the theory that meat is bad for us because we must prepare it to eat we might dam a variety of foods that most religious folks are quite comfortable with: Wine, acorns, and chocolate cake. Anyone who argues for this kind of lunacy is obviously a godless and joyless socialist.

Closing, and mentioned earlier, such an argument flies in the face of the advantages God has given us. Should we merely eat grass like the cow? Should we merely eat ants and grubs like the anteater? Should we eat "unprepared" food only, as all the lesser animals do? Or did a caring God give mankind gifts which he did not give to the lower links on the food chain? I, for one, proudly believe in a God who gave man superior gifts to the lesser animals. We construct ideas, we use a wide variety of tools, we plan for the next generation, we commit genocide. We are superior to animals! That's why we have frying pans! We cook, we prepare food! To be perfectly literal? The proof is in the pudding! And if that pudding is made of cow brains and blood? All the better; all the better. I personally didn't claw my way to the top of the food-chain just to find parsnip mush waiting for me there.

Finally, what about Jesus feeding folks with fish? Yah really think that God's lovechild would eat forbidden food? That would make no sense, even for a religion… that would be like Adam ignoring God's advice, or Lot's wife ignoring him.. or… or … aaah…..well, I'm getting off the topic.

And Jesus sure was down with bread…

And follow the fate of all the innocent little yeasties (animals, not vegetables) who died for that bread. And then there's the wine thing. As our friends the Jews (so sadly damned to eternal flames on account of their satanic wrongness) say, Oy Vay

There are some who say look to the texts of the Bible, look to words spoken in the garden of Eden that Adam and Eve should only eat fruits and vegetables. To these people I ask, if you believe this why don't you believe that vengeance belongs to God and not you? And why don't you believe that one of the 10 Commandments is "thou shalt not kill?" And if you believe all this why don't you live it all?

You know darned well why you don't live it.. Because God also created Capitalism. And because God also created the US of A. And because God also created slaughter-houses, inequity and war so that you could live in a nice house, eat well, and not worry about others who starve so that you might live off of the fatted calf..

And who are you to question God's work anyway?

Finally, remember this my friends… the word "vegetarians" contains 5 out of the 5 letters in the word Satan….

And only one of the letters in the word "God."

Word out.

From a fellow follower in Jesus.